Money has always been an issue in my life ever since I was a child. My parents moved from Jamaica to America in search of a better life. Working hard to achieve the American Dream, being broke became a recurring theme from my childhood all the way up.
My parents worked hard, long hours while I went to school but there never seemed to be enough money. When I got old enough, I worked and because things were tough I sometimes had to take on two jobs to pay for my tuition and books using short term loans to buy more time. Making Washington scream was something I learned to do because I was built and bred on survival.
As an adult, I went through some of the most terrible times with money. It all came to a head in 2003 when I dropped to bottom. I was exhausted, stressed, worried and at the heart of that was lack of money…or so I thought.
Earlier this year, I had a major breakthrough. I have been working on myself really, taking care of my being, creating this life that I want to live but the one aspect of my life that I couldn’t get a handle on was money. It was always so elusive. I would hesitate to mention it, talk about, ask for it. This seemed strange to me because money is a reality I needed to face if I wanted to live a life of abundance. No matter how much I worked, slaved, money always ‘ran out’.
I sat back and really just dug deep, deeper than I had ever gone on this subject; there was no backing out because that meant I was hiding myself. I thought about my relationship to and with money and this time, a light bulb went off. Since money was such a struggle, when I asked for money for books or tuition from my parents, it was always this heavy sigh which I took to mean ‘burden.’ My financial need was a burden. When I got older and just lost my job or was laid off, money would be scant. I considered myself a burden because I didn’t have money.
That was a realization I never had before.
I equated my self-worth with my bank account. I thought that when I was financially strapped, I was too much of a burden to date or even consider dating. I was afraid that if I asked for help, that meant I wasn’t inadequate. So when financial tightness kept happening, I would shut myself off and live alone with my ‘unworthiness.’
I was floored because now, I had a reason for what I was feeling. Because I was young and needed financial help from my parents that meant that I was a burden. I was scared of money because its absence meant that I was not good enough.
So one of the first steps I took was to forgive my parents. Just because they were unskilled in the money arena didn’t mean that I was a burden. It meant that they didn’t know how to really have a beneficial relationship with money.
Then I really just had a chat with myself and awakened to the fact that what I had within me was more than all the money in the world. I would no longer be frightened of money or of having a money conversation. That fear was what was keeping money away from me. So once I realized I was living in poverty-consciousness, I was able to make a switch to money consciousness which would help me to attract the circumstances to create more financial abundance.
Finally, I decided to initiate a re-parenting. I took responsibility for myself and decided that I would provide for me in a way that my parents couldn’t. I was going to take a stand for my financial abundance, declare it as mine and trust that the steps I take would lead me to where I wanted to go.
It’s an ongoing process that meant I was going to have to monitor my internal conversation and triggers but not long after that, I found my first set of clients, one of which turned into a long term project who recommended to potential second client.
It’s still a challenge but whenever that issue comes up, I’m able to handle it more effectively.
So what’s your relationship with money like? How are you letting money determine your worth? Leave a comment below!
Dianne Dixon, CAPM, Entrepreneur, Farmer, Blogger and Author of the Jamaican Foods Min-E-Book. She writes on a variety of subjects including Health & Wellness, Personal Development, Career & more! Follow her on Twitter: @Transitionyte